Unemployment Blues

I figured my situation needed a theme song so I wrote "Unemployment Blues." Get yourself a twangy guitar and sing along.

Woke up this morning
Had the blues again
Ain't got no job
Let me tell you, my friend.

I've got the unemployment blues
And I got them bad
Aint' got no money
Spent all that I had.

Woke up this morning
Had the blues again
Can't find no work
I'm beginning to think it's the end.

I've got the unemployment blues
and they're gettin' real bad
My car is a wreck
And I'm feeling so sad.

(Twangy guitar solo)

Oh, I woke up this morning
Had the blues again
Ain't got no job
Let me tell you, my friend

It's those old unemployment blues
Can't afford litter for my cat
Stinkin' up the place
That's no way to act!

Yeah, I woke up this morning
Had the blues again
Uh-huh, hmm...hmm...hmmm!

(Twangy guitar continues and fades out)

Stupid Questions

Recently, when I was responding to an ad on Monster.com, I was redirected to the employer's site where I had to register and answer some stupid screening questions. The questions are stupid because no one in their right mind would answer them truthfully and expect an interview.

Here's my list of stupid questions and my "honest" responses:

Q1. What is the one word that best describes you?

A. Narcissistic.

Q2. What is your greatest strength?

A. Keeping a straight face during a job interview.

Q3. What is your greatest weakness?

A. Chocolate. I'll do anything for it.

Q4. Have you ever been faced with a problem on the job, and how did you solve it?

A. If there is a problem on the job, I figure that it's because management has done something boneheaded. Let them figure it out.

Q5. As a manager, how do you get people to follow you?

By leaving a trail of $20.00 bills on the floor behind me.

Q6. How do you handle dealing with all levels of employees on the job?

A. I treat everyone according to what they can do for me. I'd suck up to the president of the company if it meant a promotion. At the same time, I'd avoid any employee who I knew was going to be fired.

Q7. What did you like most about your last job?

A. Free coffee and donuts.

Q8. What did you dislike most about your last job?

A. Being told by management how important my job was to the company just before I was laid off.

Q9. Is there anyone at your former workplace who we can talk to about your work?

A. Are you kidding???

Q10. Why should we hire you for this position?

A. If you don't know by now, why should I tell you?

This approach works especially well with young, inexperienced recruiters. It drives them crazy because they don't know whether to laugh or get up and run out of the room.