Rituals for the Recently Unemployed

You may have heard of rituals that people perform after their significant others have broken up with them. The idea is to help the rejected parties forget about the people who dumped them.

Well, I've come up with some rituals for the recently unemployed. Those people who have spent months or years in an unsatisfactory job only to find themselves booted out the door one day.

Even if you quit a job like I did, you may still need to come to a psychological end with your employment. Think of all the time you spent talking to your friends about your employer, the nasty people you worked with, the things that irked you about the company. You won't be able to talk about them any more. You've been voted off the island. You're an outsider. Like a ship that is sailing away, you employer and former co-workers are moving ahead and leaving alone you on the shore.

GET OVER IT! Try these rituals to rid yourself of the desire to return to your miserable old job.

1. Leave some mementos behind. Choose things that mock or insult your employer.

Example: If your employer is a Republican, leave George Bush's Dumbass Head on a String car freshener in your desk to be discovered after your departure. This little gem has a "musky, powerful man scent" that will stink up anywhere you leave it, even in the break room.

Speaking of the break room, another idea is to hide some old food in the refrigerator, especially if it's food from one of the company sponsored lunches. Hide it well and the aroma will last long after you're gone.

2. Collect all the paraphenalia you kept that has the employer's name on it. The coffee cup. The calendar. The imprinted pens and post-it notes. Everything that reminds of you of the place. Decide how you will dispose of each one. If you've left a really crappy job, think about ways you can desecrate the stuff.

Example: Let's say you have a shirt with the company logo printed on it. This will make a perfect liner for your cat's litter box. Simply empty the box, place the shirt with the logo facing upward and pour some kitty litter in the box. Enjoy the satisfaction you'll feel after your feline friend poops and pees all over it.

3. Get several business cards from co-workers whom you dislike and leave them in the men's room with "for a good time, call..." written on the back. Visit an adult book store and sprinkle them liberally where perverts tend to gather.

I think you get the idea by now. Whatever you do, don't get caught. And, for the record, you didn't read about it here.

Begging for Dollars

Conventional wisdom also says you can't get unemployment benefits if you quit your job. You can file if you're laid off, downsized, let go, dismissed, involuntarily discharged and all the other euphemisms for getting the ax, but not if you quit.

Not true. I discovered that it depends on how your employer handles your departure. In my case, I gave four weeks' notice of my intention to leave but my employer told me that I'd get two weeks' pay if I left immediately. In other words, my employer didn't want to pay me for hanging around for four weeks corrupting the troops. The president said, "Even though it was your decision to quit, we're willing to give you two weeks' pay and not expect you to work here any more. It's money you can use for a vacation!" Gee, thanks.

Well, naturally I didn't have a job and needed some means of support so I filed an initial claim for unemployment benefits. I completed a form that required me to state in my own words how I came to be unemployed. Only a fool would say "because I quit" because your answer is used to determine your eligibility. I wrote a blow-by-blow description of the events surrounding my departure as if I were recounting the details of a car accident for the insurance company. I attached a copy of my notice of resignation and another letter I sent to the employer reminding them that I gave four weeks' notice.

About a week later, I received a phone call from a guy at the employment security office. He had received the company's account of my resignation and proceeded to question me about my own version. In a tired, mechanical voice, he asked me again and again how it all went down. Then he told me the company was fighting my claim.
Him: "But since the company turned told you to leave immediately after receiving your notice, it turned your resignation into an involuntary discharge."

Me: "So does that mean I'm eligible for unemployment benefits?"

Him: "I don't make the decision, but it looks like you do."

Two days later, I received a check for two weeks of unemployment compensation and a letter saying I could draw up to 12 weeks.

Now that's what I call money for a vacation!