Frieda's Resume
What is one of the biggest time-consuming pain in the ass things you have to do if you want to find a job?
Write a resume, of course. Everyone says how important having a good resume is in a job hunt, but no one can agree on what format is best, what to include, blah, blah. No one really reads them closely anyway. As long as you have the same words in your resume as the ones in the job announcement, you'll at least get a phone call from some eager recruiter.
I've put together a resume that shows what little I think of them.
Resume of Frieda Lipschitz
OBJECTIVE
To join yet another imperialist company run by fascists who will pay me less than my male counterparts and probably harass and discriminate against me for being a white, middle-aged Jewish female.
QUALIFICATIONS
More than 30 years progressively bad experience in a variety of low-paying, dead-end jobs
Proficiency with Outlook and Internet Explorer on a 10 year old personal computer
Clean shaven and good personal hygiene (hey, that counts for a lot these days)
Bilingual (English and Yiddish)
EXPERIENCE
2004-2005
Organizational Human Capital Development Consultant
AXYZT HR Solutions
Tonganoxie, KS
Duties: Organizing humans to capitalize on their development in support of the firm's vision, mission and values. Realized negative return on investment.
2002-2003
Corporate Culture Learning Specialist
Vari Corp.
Virgil, Texas
Duties: Helped employees learn how to culture yogurt for fun and profit. Kept track of and discarded outdated yogurt cultures in the break room's refrigerator.
2001-2002
Customer Care and Recovery Specialist
Sprout Corp.
Kansas City, MO
Duties: Provide care for disgruntled telephone customers and aid in their recovery using a 12-step program. Hand over unrecoverable customers to the telemarketing department for rehabilitation.
EDUCATION
University of Mizzoo
Bachelor of Arts degree, Minority Studies
AFFILIATIONS
Height Watchers International
Shalom Thrift Shop
AARP
NOW
I wonder how many recruiters will contact me after I post this on Monster.com?
Write a resume, of course. Everyone says how important having a good resume is in a job hunt, but no one can agree on what format is best, what to include, blah, blah. No one really reads them closely anyway. As long as you have the same words in your resume as the ones in the job announcement, you'll at least get a phone call from some eager recruiter.
I've put together a resume that shows what little I think of them.
Resume of Frieda Lipschitz
OBJECTIVE
To join yet another imperialist company run by fascists who will pay me less than my male counterparts and probably harass and discriminate against me for being a white, middle-aged Jewish female.
QUALIFICATIONS
EXPERIENCE
2004-2005
Organizational Human Capital Development Consultant
AXYZT HR Solutions
Tonganoxie, KS
Duties: Organizing humans to capitalize on their development in support of the firm's vision, mission and values. Realized negative return on investment.
2002-2003
Corporate Culture Learning Specialist
Vari Corp.
Virgil, Texas
Duties: Helped employees learn how to culture yogurt for fun and profit. Kept track of and discarded outdated yogurt cultures in the break room's refrigerator.
2001-2002
Customer Care and Recovery Specialist
Sprout Corp.
Kansas City, MO
Duties: Provide care for disgruntled telephone customers and aid in their recovery using a 12-step program. Hand over unrecoverable customers to the telemarketing department for rehabilitation.
EDUCATION
University of Mizzoo
Bachelor of Arts degree, Minority Studies
AFFILIATIONS
I wonder how many recruiters will contact me after I post this on Monster.com?
posted by Frieda Lipschitz (Audrey Choden) at Tuesday, June 21, 2005
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