Frieda's Resume

What is one of the biggest time-consuming pain in the ass things you have to do if you want to find a job?

Write a resume, of course. Everyone says how important having a good resume is in a job hunt, but no one can agree on what format is best, what to include, blah, blah. No one really reads them closely anyway. As long as you have the same words in your resume as the ones in the job announcement, you'll at least get a phone call from some eager recruiter.

I've put together a resume that shows what little I think of them.

Resume of Frieda Lipschitz

OBJECTIVE

To join yet another imperialist company run by fascists who will pay me less than my male counterparts and probably harass and discriminate against me for being a white, middle-aged Jewish female.

QUALIFICATIONS

More than 30 years progressively bad experience in a variety of low-paying, dead-end jobs

Proficiency with Outlook and Internet Explorer on a 10 year old personal computer

Clean shaven and good personal hygiene (hey, that counts for a lot these days)

Bilingual (English and Yiddish)

EXPERIENCE

2004-2005
Organizational Human Capital Development Consultant
AXYZT HR Solutions
Tonganoxie, KS
Duties: Organizing humans to capitalize on their development in support of the firm's vision, mission and values. Realized negative return on investment.

2002-2003
Corporate Culture Learning Specialist
Vari Corp.
Virgil, Texas
Duties: Helped employees learn how to culture yogurt for fun and profit. Kept track of and discarded outdated yogurt cultures in the break room's refrigerator.

2001-2002
Customer Care and Recovery Specialist
Sprout Corp.
Kansas City, MO
Duties: Provide care for disgruntled telephone customers and aid in their recovery using a 12-step program. Hand over unrecoverable customers to the telemarketing department for rehabilitation.

EDUCATION

University of Mizzoo
Bachelor of Arts degree, Minority Studies

AFFILIATIONS

Height Watchers International

Shalom Thrift Shop

AARP

NOW

I wonder how many recruiters will contact me after I post this on Monster.com?

The Meaning of Weekends

Without the routine of a job, I become disoriented and lose track of time.

For instance, today I over slept and couldn't remember what day it was. I had opened the garage door to take out the trash as I do every Friday. I was surprised to discover that there weren't any other trashcans sitting at the curbs in front of my neighbors' houses.

Then I heard the sounds of a power saw and hammering coming from my next-door neighbor's backyard. When I went over to investigate, I found my neighbor's husband and another man building a wooden play set while she was planting annuals in a large pot and keeping an eye on their two young children.

After I said hello and engaged in some small talk, I asked her, "What day is today?" At first, she thought I meant the date and said she wasn't sure. Then I asked, "No, what day of the week is it?" She told me it was Saturday, and seeing the confused look on my face, reassured me that as a stay-at-home mom she sometimes got the days confused too.

I thanked her and wandered back home where I tried to decide what meaning the weekend had for me now that I wasn't working.

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"They don't seem to see the difference between working and not working. It's all become part of one's life. There's no concept of weekends anymore!" - Earl Culver, president of VariCorp, from the movie "True Stories"